After a few months from my graduation, my life wasn't easy for me to adjust after experiencing my very first prom and seeing them for the last time. Letting go of my friends after the big night was the hardest thing for me because I have never felt so lonely since middle school.
I couldn't get into college because I got a C in Communications class (easy English class) and no one could get in with a C, I couldn't get into Glee after I put my audition videos on Glee's Myspace profile (which was required) and I had the most depressing 18th birthday of my life because my spoiled 19 year old sister badmouthed me and I had no friends to hang out with me; my friends that are the same age as me didn't graduate for skipping school and some of my friends are druggies, but they are not that bad. Unfortunately,
my dad wouldn't want me hanging out with people that dresses up in cosplay and likes to get stoned and smoke too. Plus he wouldn't trust them.
I cried before the night of my birthday on my bed and I felt my heart break because I felt more alone than ever after my 2nd ex boyfriend told me on facebook he never like me while we were dating behind my dad's back and my sister insulted me before he [dad] came home from work. However, after I felt my heart break as a glass cracks, it was the most beautiful thing I never felt for a long time.
After I got back into high school for an upgrade at NWSS (the haunted high school where teens died in pools and workshop decades ago) and entered into the Pearson Adut Learning Centre, I felt as if I was the only 18 year old chinese girl who has got accepted by her classmates in english class. I felt so happy.
I have always wanted to go for a music program in college, but my dad wouldn't want nor let me get into it because he said that it is hard to pursue a music career for me. He thinks I am not good enough and also stupid in some sense I cannot explain, so instead he wanted me to get into the cashier program, the Stage Crew program or the Hotel Management program offered in Douglas College. I don't get to choose a program I want to take but he decides for my future. Fortunately after my violin and music theory exams, I got back into violin but in a grade 8 level and I am taking music theory, plus I am also learning how to play the piano. This time I got two music teachers and replace my old violin teacher with a female one from BCCM (British Columbia Conservatory of Music). Fortunately I improved slowly.
I never felt so lonely until I went to skate at Robson Square with my dad of course; whenever he has a day off and I have no friends to hang out which he doesn't trust, we would hang out like best friends. To me, its kind of sad in a way. Anyway, I met Alex, Andrew, Cheryl, Roy, Diane, Denis, and foreigners from language schools in Downtown Vancouver, including Guilherme (a 25 year old Italian-German guy who kissed me on my cheeks from Brazil). I felt more loved than ever outside of home and school, but they are older than me. Unfortunately, after the last day before the rink closed, I spent my last day hanging out with Alex for the very last time. Oddly my parents never stopped talking about him because he is the only friend my parents, mostly my dad trust. Then all goes back to normal. When I say normal I meaning being lonely... once again
Everday I would go on the computer, doing my routine, checking out my emails, Myspace and going on Youtube to listen to music and watch some British shows I can't watch on my TV, then I was researching Darren Criss who plays Blaine from Glee (Kurt's mentor and possible boyfriend in the future episodes). I found out not only is he who he plays, but also a songwriter from San Fransisco. I've watch videos of him, including the Harry Potter musicals made by the Starkids and listened to his music, but there was this one song that made me cry and I hadn't cried over a song ever since grade 8. This song is called Not Alone. I fell in love with his music and it inspired me to play my guitar and write songs again, nevertheless my dictions were hard to think of and I haven't learned any new chords from the 5th fret or any fret higher, so it was more difficult than I thought. I wish I could meet him for an advice as a songwriter, I would not know what
to say but be astonished. And I want to thank him for the inspiration.
I never met any new celebrities in my entire life, except I met Faber from Faber Drive at the school. I performed my violin in front of him and unfortunately, it didn't go as well and he knew it was crap but he reminded to keep practicing.
If Darren Criss read this and has a blogger account (which he doesn't unfortunately), I would be so happy and touched if he understands my situation because "I'm not alone". I just hope he would not read the paragraph or else I would sound like a crazy fan who would not stop stalking him or talking to him. Technically I am not a fan of him because he is in Glee but I am a big fan of his music.
Because of him and my favorite San Fransiscan musician Devendra Banhart, they made me want to go to San Fransisco for their arts and the gay community. At first, I wanted to go to London, England because of its culture and the arts without my family, but I couldn't afford it, so San Fransisco; because it is also cheap to go. I am the only one in the family who hasn't gone far away from home without my family and I really need to get outside of Vancouver because everytime I visit my cousins on my moms' side of the family or when I always stay at home, doing nothing but prctice my violin or watching TV for hours, I keep on thinking why I am still here wasting my life and doing the same old things as a routine. Sometimes I feel really unlucky, thinking I never leave Vancouver ever alone.
It is as if I always end up sitting next to my aunt at a chinese restaraunt, touching my face and pinching my cheeks with her scared or burned hand. Her touch creeps me as how snake wrap around you. To my sister, it is an advantage to never ever getting touched by our aunt. I felt so alone and unlucky, having to suffer through all what happened to me. I don't think I will ever get my chance to leave Vancouver. I don't know if it will happen ever.
This is why I feel so alone. I wish that someone would take me to San Fransisco so I can escape from my routines and Vancouver for maybe few months if I want, but school is too important to me for now.
If anyone is reading this, I hope you will understand my situation and I feel so alone. I need to hear a voice from anyone.
