Ever since I turned eighteen, which was the most depressive birthday of my life, things were getting so confusing and sometimes I don't know what to believe or who I am anymore.
It was as if I was a lonely teen with no friends or someone that ended up hanging with the "wrong crowd" also known as druggies, misfits, skateboarders etc. Weirdly they are not what we think they are because they don't actually pressure you to do something beyond your limits. They respect it unlike the normal people.
Anyway, this is not what I'm talking about. I am talking about what it is to grow up so fast, forgetting what it was like to be young. Unlike an average teenage girl, I always stayed home, doing my homework because I didn't know how to communicate well with my friends, my dad doesn't trust my friends for being a troublesome in a group and ... my dad thinks people don't know what I am saying; it is like speaking gibberish when I am talking to my dad. Because of that, he thinks it would also project my speaking to my peers and others.
Weirdly I speak perfectly towards other people, which honestly I don't deny, when it is at school or in a class but when it comes to my dad, it is way different. Well, it's quite the opposite.
I love my dad as a role model to look up to surviving in the real world, but sometimes I hate it when it comes to insults with my mom's family, telling me to do something the last minute, etc. But I have to suck it up and accept this is life; no one sid it was going to be easy. Unfortunately, sometimes my dad thinks I'm stupid, slow and weird, which he doesn't like me to be. Well... the weird part.
Since I entered into English class, my world turned upside down, it expanded my thinking and sometimes I don't know what I am anymore or what I have become. Why is it going to the depths of my past through an emotional state and no I am not talking about mood swings in a lady when she get PMS.
I dressed a bit differently, my behaviour has changed into a sophisicated kind without the snobby personality and Affluenza. I am still young but what if I grew up too fast because I am not what I used to be and I rarely got to do fun things with my friends.
I've done some stupid things and one of my friends thought she was pregnant and wanted a wedding. She asked me to be her Maid of Honour in Grade 11 but my dad didn't like her for being knocked up, which she was not.
I wish my dad would please just understand as a teen, I deserve some fun and if I can't say what I feel in person, well here it is:
Dad,
I love you as my dad, but you have to let me be who I want to be and live my life. I can't meet all of your expectations as a daughter you've always wanted because I am stressed, feeling pressured by you; what is the point if I can't stand up to you for your insults, lightly hitting me with a badminton racket or any hard objects or your bare hands, slapping me on the head or grabbing my hair. Sometimes I feel like you are still treating me like a little girl who seems too fragile to lose. I am stressed because I am angry at myself; I don't seem to be living in my own shadows but yours and I am only pleasing you instead of me just so I wouldn't see your angry self. I can't seem to talk to you about my problems when you are in rage or blaming me to feel ashamed. I know that is how life works, but I am getting sick and tired of it. That is why I felt so uncomfortable around you a few years ago. Sometimes I think you don't know me at all because of what you saw in me after a few years. I love you and I don't want to lose my bond with you because I don't want to be the last person you want to see when you read this. Please understand what I am going through.
No comments:
Post a Comment