The world is a minature set
and we are the vivified puppets.
An artist creates his fantasy
for his work of art he wishes to share.
We may not have strings to be controlled
nor may we seem so molded
as clay or plastic but we are made
to become whoever the child wants
us to pretend or to be.
He can create his dolls and action figures
to animate life and play random characters
but he saved his leading roles for his two
favorite and most adorned toys: Barbie and Ken
Our destinies are written on paper for not all
survive in a tragic event as we each have prophecies
to establish, but there are those that fall and those that
rise.
We are not always happy and joyful as can be for
plots in each of us are to be occurred by one of such
grotesque and merciless heart, filled with hatred and
deception who would have the audacity to challenge us.
We have pasts we are not so proud of and we are not as
audacious to share our shame with you.
There are many a surprise you may not expect
for it is a secret one will never reveal until you wait and see for yourself
We may be different persons, but we are like you
no matter what the situation
To create something is to come alive from your mind and soul.
To tell a tall tale is to write from your heart and life.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Lonely Love
I cry at night
in my lonely sleep
as a child abandoned with
a horrendous sight
why do hearts gentlly and slowly crack so deep?
My agonzing pain
with diamond drops
let it rain
from my reddened eyes until it stops
I can only feel
the warmth of a blanket
where no one will heal
my cold shivers, I bet
I'll never know for real
When two bodies meet
from face to face,
I long for a heat
to discover an embrace
Without a voice
I long to hear,
I have a choice
to be found here
When friends come and go,
where am I, but lost,
stranded with a cost?
Somwhere I'll never know
When I meet,
I learn to be discreet.
But when they fly
away, I only hear a goodbye.
No more shall we greet,
let me rot to lie
with maggots and die.
Where is my mother?
Where is my father?
Why leave me
and let it be?
If I know not of love,
I remember not of a jubilant kiss.
If I'll know never of such bliss,
when will I find peace as a ghostly dove
I cannot bear
with no one to share
my wanted love
as an ecstasy from heaven above
To be unadorned
and to be uncared
for, will be my greatest fear
I dare not to endure
I may always stand
alone with a thousand
of white and silver hair,
but I am strong
enough to bear.
There is nothing wrong
to have no friends
to make amends
in my lonely sleep
as a child abandoned with
a horrendous sight
why do hearts gentlly and slowly crack so deep?
My agonzing pain
with diamond drops
let it rain
from my reddened eyes until it stops
I can only feel
the warmth of a blanket
where no one will heal
my cold shivers, I bet
I'll never know for real
When two bodies meet
from face to face,
I long for a heat
to discover an embrace
Without a voice
I long to hear,
I have a choice
to be found here
When friends come and go,
where am I, but lost,
stranded with a cost?
Somwhere I'll never know
When I meet,
I learn to be discreet.
But when they fly
away, I only hear a goodbye.
No more shall we greet,
let me rot to lie
with maggots and die.
Where is my mother?
Where is my father?
Why leave me
and let it be?
If I know not of love,
I remember not of a jubilant kiss.
If I'll know never of such bliss,
when will I find peace as a ghostly dove
I cannot bear
with no one to share
my wanted love
as an ecstasy from heaven above
To be unadorned
and to be uncared
for, will be my greatest fear
I dare not to endure
I may always stand
alone with a thousand
of white and silver hair,
but I am strong
enough to bear.
There is nothing wrong
to have no friends
to make amends
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Monarchs without Crowns
It is not a person with a magnificent headdress
It is not portayed in fine robes with fancy threads
It is not the voice of the sophisticated and well mannered
It is not well divine
It is not born with royal blood
It is not wealthy nor rich
It is not a winner
It does not have the perfect life
It is not conservative
It does not control its particular country
It is never perfect
It does not worry about it's reputation
It is not raised and taught to fight in combat and in war
It does not worry about getting dirty
It is not a virgin
It does not want to be stuck with the same traditions
It does not treat subjects, disciples, fans, or followers badly
It is not a boring life
It won't stand down for anyone but itself
It is not always normal
It doesn not have an entourage
It is not always heterosexual
It does not lie to it's people
It does not pretend to be who it is not
It may not create laws, but it may create ideas
It may not be as wise as professors and teachers, but it is as wise as philosophers and scholars
It does not care about money, but one needs it for living to survive
It is not afraid to take risks, no matter what
It is not weak to survive in danger
It is not afraid to love someone, despite sex, age, gender, looks and social status; Love knows no limits
It does not judge
It does not hate everything, but it hates to be heartbroken
It is not afraid to rebel against society for it's rights
It is not like every normal person who follow trends through the media and set its own
It is not afraid to speak for itself
But it is just one simple individual with an extraordinary mind, who sticks to it's beliefs and principles
through creativity and imagination
It is not portayed in fine robes with fancy threads
It is not the voice of the sophisticated and well mannered
It is not well divine
It is not born with royal blood
It is not wealthy nor rich
It is not a winner
It does not have the perfect life
It is not conservative
It does not control its particular country
It is never perfect
It does not worry about it's reputation
It is not raised and taught to fight in combat and in war
It does not worry about getting dirty
It is not a virgin
It does not want to be stuck with the same traditions
It does not treat subjects, disciples, fans, or followers badly
It is not a boring life
It won't stand down for anyone but itself
It is not always normal
It doesn not have an entourage
It is not always heterosexual
It does not lie to it's people
It does not pretend to be who it is not
It may not create laws, but it may create ideas
It may not be as wise as professors and teachers, but it is as wise as philosophers and scholars
It does not care about money, but one needs it for living to survive
It is not afraid to take risks, no matter what
It is not weak to survive in danger
It is not afraid to love someone, despite sex, age, gender, looks and social status; Love knows no limits
It does not judge
It does not hate everything, but it hates to be heartbroken
It is not afraid to rebel against society for it's rights
It is not like every normal person who follow trends through the media and set its own
It is not afraid to speak for itself
But it is just one simple individual with an extraordinary mind, who sticks to it's beliefs and principles
through creativity and imagination
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Life and beauty through a child's eyes
When I read the anecdotes form the Globe and Mail, the authors wrote how their loved ones influenced thm in their lives and how their persons changed the writers' lives. As being part of the life obstacle, every person can be a paradigm because they can remind themselves why they became a better person ever and why they loved them back in return.
That is what I realized in their writing, but there is one story that touched me dearly because a a person of special needs, I know what it is to view the world differently from any normal person and what it is like as an outcast from society.
This story reflects back to my poem Young Voice because when we suffer inside, "beauty does live among us", that is if you are talking about a "beautiful soul." There is only thing to know about beauty before judging
a book by its cover: "to be beautiful is to suffer" because "this is not a society that is organized to look aat those who have special needs."
After I read the sister's story , I am "fascinated by her innonce" and yet, " I am painfully aware how few people are actually present to her - and I wonder if there isn't a relationship there, between her lack of presence and ours" because we feel like outcasts who are not easily recognized.
If you look at some things surrounding you, "it's all about the moment" such as a little girl's cheeks will "bloom like a rose if you're sweet." Poeple need to stop being "such big egos, so full of opinions and arguments."
That is what I realized in their writing, but there is one story that touched me dearly because a a person of special needs, I know what it is to view the world differently from any normal person and what it is like as an outcast from society.
This story reflects back to my poem Young Voice because when we suffer inside, "beauty does live among us", that is if you are talking about a "beautiful soul." There is only thing to know about beauty before judging
a book by its cover: "to be beautiful is to suffer" because "this is not a society that is organized to look aat those who have special needs."
After I read the sister's story , I am "fascinated by her innonce" and yet, " I am painfully aware how few people are actually present to her - and I wonder if there isn't a relationship there, between her lack of presence and ours" because we feel like outcasts who are not easily recognized.
If you look at some things surrounding you, "it's all about the moment" such as a little girl's cheeks will "bloom like a rose if you're sweet." Poeple need to stop being "such big egos, so full of opinions and arguments."
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A teen in an adult world
Ever since I turned eighteen, which was the most depressive birthday of my life, things were getting so confusing and sometimes I don't know what to believe or who I am anymore.
It was as if I was a lonely teen with no friends or someone that ended up hanging with the "wrong crowd" also known as druggies, misfits, skateboarders etc. Weirdly they are not what we think they are because they don't actually pressure you to do something beyond your limits. They respect it unlike the normal people.
Anyway, this is not what I'm talking about. I am talking about what it is to grow up so fast, forgetting what it was like to be young. Unlike an average teenage girl, I always stayed home, doing my homework because I didn't know how to communicate well with my friends, my dad doesn't trust my friends for being a troublesome in a group and ... my dad thinks people don't know what I am saying; it is like speaking gibberish when I am talking to my dad. Because of that, he thinks it would also project my speaking to my peers and others.
Weirdly I speak perfectly towards other people, which honestly I don't deny, when it is at school or in a class but when it comes to my dad, it is way different. Well, it's quite the opposite.
I love my dad as a role model to look up to surviving in the real world, but sometimes I hate it when it comes to insults with my mom's family, telling me to do something the last minute, etc. But I have to suck it up and accept this is life; no one sid it was going to be easy. Unfortunately, sometimes my dad thinks I'm stupid, slow and weird, which he doesn't like me to be. Well... the weird part.
Since I entered into English class, my world turned upside down, it expanded my thinking and sometimes I don't know what I am anymore or what I have become. Why is it going to the depths of my past through an emotional state and no I am not talking about mood swings in a lady when she get PMS.
I dressed a bit differently, my behaviour has changed into a sophisicated kind without the snobby personality and Affluenza. I am still young but what if I grew up too fast because I am not what I used to be and I rarely got to do fun things with my friends.
I've done some stupid things and one of my friends thought she was pregnant and wanted a wedding. She asked me to be her Maid of Honour in Grade 11 but my dad didn't like her for being knocked up, which she was not.
I wish my dad would please just understand as a teen, I deserve some fun and if I can't say what I feel in person, well here it is:
Dad,
I love you as my dad, but you have to let me be who I want to be and live my life. I can't meet all of your expectations as a daughter you've always wanted because I am stressed, feeling pressured by you; what is the point if I can't stand up to you for your insults, lightly hitting me with a badminton racket or any hard objects or your bare hands, slapping me on the head or grabbing my hair. Sometimes I feel like you are still treating me like a little girl who seems too fragile to lose. I am stressed because I am angry at myself; I don't seem to be living in my own shadows but yours and I am only pleasing you instead of me just so I wouldn't see your angry self. I can't seem to talk to you about my problems when you are in rage or blaming me to feel ashamed. I know that is how life works, but I am getting sick and tired of it. That is why I felt so uncomfortable around you a few years ago. Sometimes I think you don't know me at all because of what you saw in me after a few years. I love you and I don't want to lose my bond with you because I don't want to be the last person you want to see when you read this. Please understand what I am going through.
It was as if I was a lonely teen with no friends or someone that ended up hanging with the "wrong crowd" also known as druggies, misfits, skateboarders etc. Weirdly they are not what we think they are because they don't actually pressure you to do something beyond your limits. They respect it unlike the normal people.
Anyway, this is not what I'm talking about. I am talking about what it is to grow up so fast, forgetting what it was like to be young. Unlike an average teenage girl, I always stayed home, doing my homework because I didn't know how to communicate well with my friends, my dad doesn't trust my friends for being a troublesome in a group and ... my dad thinks people don't know what I am saying; it is like speaking gibberish when I am talking to my dad. Because of that, he thinks it would also project my speaking to my peers and others.
Weirdly I speak perfectly towards other people, which honestly I don't deny, when it is at school or in a class but when it comes to my dad, it is way different. Well, it's quite the opposite.
I love my dad as a role model to look up to surviving in the real world, but sometimes I hate it when it comes to insults with my mom's family, telling me to do something the last minute, etc. But I have to suck it up and accept this is life; no one sid it was going to be easy. Unfortunately, sometimes my dad thinks I'm stupid, slow and weird, which he doesn't like me to be. Well... the weird part.
Since I entered into English class, my world turned upside down, it expanded my thinking and sometimes I don't know what I am anymore or what I have become. Why is it going to the depths of my past through an emotional state and no I am not talking about mood swings in a lady when she get PMS.
I dressed a bit differently, my behaviour has changed into a sophisicated kind without the snobby personality and Affluenza. I am still young but what if I grew up too fast because I am not what I used to be and I rarely got to do fun things with my friends.
I've done some stupid things and one of my friends thought she was pregnant and wanted a wedding. She asked me to be her Maid of Honour in Grade 11 but my dad didn't like her for being knocked up, which she was not.
I wish my dad would please just understand as a teen, I deserve some fun and if I can't say what I feel in person, well here it is:
Dad,
I love you as my dad, but you have to let me be who I want to be and live my life. I can't meet all of your expectations as a daughter you've always wanted because I am stressed, feeling pressured by you; what is the point if I can't stand up to you for your insults, lightly hitting me with a badminton racket or any hard objects or your bare hands, slapping me on the head or grabbing my hair. Sometimes I feel like you are still treating me like a little girl who seems too fragile to lose. I am stressed because I am angry at myself; I don't seem to be living in my own shadows but yours and I am only pleasing you instead of me just so I wouldn't see your angry self. I can't seem to talk to you about my problems when you are in rage or blaming me to feel ashamed. I know that is how life works, but I am getting sick and tired of it. That is why I felt so uncomfortable around you a few years ago. Sometimes I think you don't know me at all because of what you saw in me after a few years. I love you and I don't want to lose my bond with you because I don't want to be the last person you want to see when you read this. Please understand what I am going through.
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Demon
In reality, everyone may seem innocent or look like they are living in a perfect normal life, but that is every person's fantasy; there is no such thing as perfection.
Many a person may have dark secrets and regret for who they have become.
Whenever you look in front of the mirror, what do you really see? Because sometimes, you can see your darkest side as a constant reminder of your troubled past, what you've become or something waiting to be unleashed by arrogance or aggression; we can be tired of being good and innocent just to please a certain someone.
When you look around, surrounded by thousands, you judge quickly only by their physical appearances, but if you dig deep, you know they may be something else more than what you opinionate. As you go into the hollow depths of their soul or body, there is always a demon waiting to be released by a person's rage and reason to kill.
You can see your demons through your reflections and sometimes imagine they will attack. They will follow you everywhere as Mr.Hyde is trapped inside Dr.Jekyll's reflection before taking his elixir or an imaginary friend who symbolizes as your conscience. If you keep running away from your regrettable pasts, your demon will always come back to you and haunt every second and every moment.
We wish we could hide from our troubled,old lives and deny we've done nothing wrong, always wishing for a second chance to start all over, but they always end up finding you wherever you go, it follows you no matter what.
We are as afraid to face our secrets as we are to releasing our hysterical and aggressive rage towards an enemy and someone of your dislike because we could also be feared of ourselves and we lose ourselves, but everyone knows they need to take the first step, which will always be the hardest of them all.
But deep inside, we all have a good side because we know our limits to being a better person, just make sure no one gets into your bad side; they will suddenly attack mercilessly and without lives to spare.
Many a person may have dark secrets and regret for who they have become.
Whenever you look in front of the mirror, what do you really see? Because sometimes, you can see your darkest side as a constant reminder of your troubled past, what you've become or something waiting to be unleashed by arrogance or aggression; we can be tired of being good and innocent just to please a certain someone.
When you look around, surrounded by thousands, you judge quickly only by their physical appearances, but if you dig deep, you know they may be something else more than what you opinionate. As you go into the hollow depths of their soul or body, there is always a demon waiting to be released by a person's rage and reason to kill.
You can see your demons through your reflections and sometimes imagine they will attack. They will follow you everywhere as Mr.Hyde is trapped inside Dr.Jekyll's reflection before taking his elixir or an imaginary friend who symbolizes as your conscience. If you keep running away from your regrettable pasts, your demon will always come back to you and haunt every second and every moment.
We wish we could hide from our troubled,old lives and deny we've done nothing wrong, always wishing for a second chance to start all over, but they always end up finding you wherever you go, it follows you no matter what.
We are as afraid to face our secrets as we are to releasing our hysterical and aggressive rage towards an enemy and someone of your dislike because we could also be feared of ourselves and we lose ourselves, but everyone knows they need to take the first step, which will always be the hardest of them all.
But deep inside, we all have a good side because we know our limits to being a better person, just make sure no one gets into your bad side; they will suddenly attack mercilessly and without lives to spare.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
2011: the loneliest year of my life
After a few months from my graduation, my life wasn't easy for me to adjust after experiencing my very first prom and seeing them for the last time. Letting go of my friends after the big night was the hardest thing for me because I have never felt so lonely since middle school.
I couldn't get into college because I got a C in Communications class (easy English class) and no one could get in with a C, I couldn't get into Glee after I put my audition videos on Glee's Myspace profile (which was required) and I had the most depressing 18th birthday of my life because my spoiled 19 year old sister badmouthed me and I had no friends to hang out with me; my friends that are the same age as me didn't graduate for skipping school and some of my friends are druggies, but they are not that bad. Unfortunately,
my dad wouldn't want me hanging out with people that dresses up in cosplay and likes to get stoned and smoke too. Plus he wouldn't trust them.
I cried before the night of my birthday on my bed and I felt my heart break because I felt more alone than ever after my 2nd ex boyfriend told me on facebook he never like me while we were dating behind my dad's back and my sister insulted me before he [dad] came home from work. However, after I felt my heart break as a glass cracks, it was the most beautiful thing I never felt for a long time.
After I got back into high school for an upgrade at NWSS (the haunted high school where teens died in pools and workshop decades ago) and entered into the Pearson Adut Learning Centre, I felt as if I was the only 18 year old chinese girl who has got accepted by her classmates in english class. I felt so happy.
I have always wanted to go for a music program in college, but my dad wouldn't want nor let me get into it because he said that it is hard to pursue a music career for me. He thinks I am not good enough and also stupid in some sense I cannot explain, so instead he wanted me to get into the cashier program, the Stage Crew program or the Hotel Management program offered in Douglas College. I don't get to choose a program I want to take but he decides for my future. Fortunately after my violin and music theory exams, I got back into violin but in a grade 8 level and I am taking music theory, plus I am also learning how to play the piano. This time I got two music teachers and replace my old violin teacher with a female one from BCCM (British Columbia Conservatory of Music). Fortunately I improved slowly.
I never felt so lonely until I went to skate at Robson Square with my dad of course; whenever he has a day off and I have no friends to hang out which he doesn't trust, we would hang out like best friends. To me, its kind of sad in a way. Anyway, I met Alex, Andrew, Cheryl, Roy, Diane, Denis, and foreigners from language schools in Downtown Vancouver, including Guilherme (a 25 year old Italian-German guy who kissed me on my cheeks from Brazil). I felt more loved than ever outside of home and school, but they are older than me. Unfortunately, after the last day before the rink closed, I spent my last day hanging out with Alex for the very last time. Oddly my parents never stopped talking about him because he is the only friend my parents, mostly my dad trust. Then all goes back to normal. When I say normal I meaning being lonely... once again
Everday I would go on the computer, doing my routine, checking out my emails, Myspace and going on Youtube to listen to music and watch some British shows I can't watch on my TV, then I was researching Darren Criss who plays Blaine from Glee (Kurt's mentor and possible boyfriend in the future episodes). I found out not only is he who he plays, but also a songwriter from San Fransisco. I've watch videos of him, including the Harry Potter musicals made by the Starkids and listened to his music, but there was this one song that made me cry and I hadn't cried over a song ever since grade 8. This song is called Not Alone. I fell in love with his music and it inspired me to play my guitar and write songs again, nevertheless my dictions were hard to think of and I haven't learned any new chords from the 5th fret or any fret higher, so it was more difficult than I thought. I wish I could meet him for an advice as a songwriter, I would not know what
to say but be astonished. And I want to thank him for the inspiration.
I never met any new celebrities in my entire life, except I met Faber from Faber Drive at the school. I performed my violin in front of him and unfortunately, it didn't go as well and he knew it was crap but he reminded to keep practicing.
If Darren Criss read this and has a blogger account (which he doesn't unfortunately), I would be so happy and touched if he understands my situation because "I'm not alone". I just hope he would not read the paragraph or else I would sound like a crazy fan who would not stop stalking him or talking to him. Technically I am not a fan of him because he is in Glee but I am a big fan of his music.
Because of him and my favorite San Fransiscan musician Devendra Banhart, they made me want to go to San Fransisco for their arts and the gay community. At first, I wanted to go to London, England because of its culture and the arts without my family, but I couldn't afford it, so San Fransisco; because it is also cheap to go. I am the only one in the family who hasn't gone far away from home without my family and I really need to get outside of Vancouver because everytime I visit my cousins on my moms' side of the family or when I always stay at home, doing nothing but prctice my violin or watching TV for hours, I keep on thinking why I am still here wasting my life and doing the same old things as a routine. Sometimes I feel really unlucky, thinking I never leave Vancouver ever alone.
It is as if I always end up sitting next to my aunt at a chinese restaraunt, touching my face and pinching my cheeks with her scared or burned hand. Her touch creeps me as how snake wrap around you. To my sister, it is an advantage to never ever getting touched by our aunt. I felt so alone and unlucky, having to suffer through all what happened to me. I don't think I will ever get my chance to leave Vancouver. I don't know if it will happen ever.
This is why I feel so alone. I wish that someone would take me to San Fransisco so I can escape from my routines and Vancouver for maybe few months if I want, but school is too important to me for now.
If anyone is reading this, I hope you will understand my situation and I feel so alone. I need to hear a voice from anyone.
I couldn't get into college because I got a C in Communications class (easy English class) and no one could get in with a C, I couldn't get into Glee after I put my audition videos on Glee's Myspace profile (which was required) and I had the most depressing 18th birthday of my life because my spoiled 19 year old sister badmouthed me and I had no friends to hang out with me; my friends that are the same age as me didn't graduate for skipping school and some of my friends are druggies, but they are not that bad. Unfortunately,
my dad wouldn't want me hanging out with people that dresses up in cosplay and likes to get stoned and smoke too. Plus he wouldn't trust them.
I cried before the night of my birthday on my bed and I felt my heart break because I felt more alone than ever after my 2nd ex boyfriend told me on facebook he never like me while we were dating behind my dad's back and my sister insulted me before he [dad] came home from work. However, after I felt my heart break as a glass cracks, it was the most beautiful thing I never felt for a long time.
After I got back into high school for an upgrade at NWSS (the haunted high school where teens died in pools and workshop decades ago) and entered into the Pearson Adut Learning Centre, I felt as if I was the only 18 year old chinese girl who has got accepted by her classmates in english class. I felt so happy.
I have always wanted to go for a music program in college, but my dad wouldn't want nor let me get into it because he said that it is hard to pursue a music career for me. He thinks I am not good enough and also stupid in some sense I cannot explain, so instead he wanted me to get into the cashier program, the Stage Crew program or the Hotel Management program offered in Douglas College. I don't get to choose a program I want to take but he decides for my future. Fortunately after my violin and music theory exams, I got back into violin but in a grade 8 level and I am taking music theory, plus I am also learning how to play the piano. This time I got two music teachers and replace my old violin teacher with a female one from BCCM (British Columbia Conservatory of Music). Fortunately I improved slowly.
I never felt so lonely until I went to skate at Robson Square with my dad of course; whenever he has a day off and I have no friends to hang out which he doesn't trust, we would hang out like best friends. To me, its kind of sad in a way. Anyway, I met Alex, Andrew, Cheryl, Roy, Diane, Denis, and foreigners from language schools in Downtown Vancouver, including Guilherme (a 25 year old Italian-German guy who kissed me on my cheeks from Brazil). I felt more loved than ever outside of home and school, but they are older than me. Unfortunately, after the last day before the rink closed, I spent my last day hanging out with Alex for the very last time. Oddly my parents never stopped talking about him because he is the only friend my parents, mostly my dad trust. Then all goes back to normal. When I say normal I meaning being lonely... once again
Everday I would go on the computer, doing my routine, checking out my emails, Myspace and going on Youtube to listen to music and watch some British shows I can't watch on my TV, then I was researching Darren Criss who plays Blaine from Glee (Kurt's mentor and possible boyfriend in the future episodes). I found out not only is he who he plays, but also a songwriter from San Fransisco. I've watch videos of him, including the Harry Potter musicals made by the Starkids and listened to his music, but there was this one song that made me cry and I hadn't cried over a song ever since grade 8. This song is called Not Alone. I fell in love with his music and it inspired me to play my guitar and write songs again, nevertheless my dictions were hard to think of and I haven't learned any new chords from the 5th fret or any fret higher, so it was more difficult than I thought. I wish I could meet him for an advice as a songwriter, I would not know what
to say but be astonished. And I want to thank him for the inspiration.
I never met any new celebrities in my entire life, except I met Faber from Faber Drive at the school. I performed my violin in front of him and unfortunately, it didn't go as well and he knew it was crap but he reminded to keep practicing.
If Darren Criss read this and has a blogger account (which he doesn't unfortunately), I would be so happy and touched if he understands my situation because "I'm not alone". I just hope he would not read the paragraph or else I would sound like a crazy fan who would not stop stalking him or talking to him. Technically I am not a fan of him because he is in Glee but I am a big fan of his music.
Because of him and my favorite San Fransiscan musician Devendra Banhart, they made me want to go to San Fransisco for their arts and the gay community. At first, I wanted to go to London, England because of its culture and the arts without my family, but I couldn't afford it, so San Fransisco; because it is also cheap to go. I am the only one in the family who hasn't gone far away from home without my family and I really need to get outside of Vancouver because everytime I visit my cousins on my moms' side of the family or when I always stay at home, doing nothing but prctice my violin or watching TV for hours, I keep on thinking why I am still here wasting my life and doing the same old things as a routine. Sometimes I feel really unlucky, thinking I never leave Vancouver ever alone.
It is as if I always end up sitting next to my aunt at a chinese restaraunt, touching my face and pinching my cheeks with her scared or burned hand. Her touch creeps me as how snake wrap around you. To my sister, it is an advantage to never ever getting touched by our aunt. I felt so alone and unlucky, having to suffer through all what happened to me. I don't think I will ever get my chance to leave Vancouver. I don't know if it will happen ever.
This is why I feel so alone. I wish that someone would take me to San Fransisco so I can escape from my routines and Vancouver for maybe few months if I want, but school is too important to me for now.
If anyone is reading this, I hope you will understand my situation and I feel so alone. I need to hear a voice from anyone.
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